predict and protect

   It's a smart thing- the whole "predict and protect" view we're supposed to have of the world. It's even a smarter thing to watch your back, since we'd all rather be safe than sorry. And the right choice when a new context is in view is to not lose yourself - keep your temper, open your eyes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. These are the basics, and we learn them from the earliest stages of our lives, when failure isn't even a concept we know, when fear is reduced to monsters under our bed and running out of our favorite ice-cream. But the system must be prepared anyhow, because that is the clever way- being cautious. 
   But there is a flaw in the system. In my system, at least. And I have found it. A little glitch, probably a design error, which has led me to the point where "predict and protect" sounds plain shitty.
   It is within a certain feeling that I have come to find: I don't need to play it safe. 
   I have found a comfort zone: where I am no longer scared of anything else but falling into the trap of making everything ephemeral.  
   Here's the point where "generally speaking" doesn't quite cut it, since you're anything but general. 
   Within the safety you give me I have found common ground between what I am and what I long to be. I allow myself to lose temper and to fall as farther as I can because it's your arms I end up in and it makes it alright. 
   I can close my eyes or keep them wide open- it's all safe. I don't need my enemies closer- but I do need you- it's all safe. 
   I can lose myself and I do lose myself- endlessly- in a love that is all encompassing and fearless- it's all safe. 
   I can hurry or take it slow, I can take a break or run forever, because we have all the power and it is all so safe.
    We are faced with the greatest view and the most refreshing candour, it is what makes me feel like we can truly make it. I feel like we're safe not only with but within each other. 
    I don't need to play it safe because I am protected and so are you. We may be dumb enough to give it all, regardless of  potential consequences, but it's because we're smart enough to know when it's worth it. And if there's one thing I've learned is that so very few things are worth it and when you do find something you'd give your whole being to- that's when you fight, that's when safety comes last, that's the glitch.
    So I am out in the open. And with you, I don't even mind. 
    It's all safe.
    To think of it, it is more of a miracle, rather than a plain glitch.

things i should tell you more often

              You're the first ray of sunshine on a chilly november morning and the extra 10 minutes of sleep I allow myself even though it'll make me late. You're the cold sea water that touches my feet whilst walking on the beach on a july night and also the sand that finds its way to my hair. You're the third sip of green tea, early in the morning : the first is too hot, the second too bitter, but the third -just perfect.You're the cold side of the pillow in the middle of the night when sleep denies itself from me. You're the wind in early june, and the way it hits the dark circles around my eyes after a rough night. You're a frank sinatra song when i'm in the mood for love and a keaton henson song when my small hands collapse under the weight of fear, when my soul is ravished; every once in a while, you're a led zeppelin classic- and, as expected, i can't seem to be able to quit you. 

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

            You're the first star of the sky, the one I always make a wish upon. You're the shower after a long day, you're takeaway food combined with netflix, you're ice cream in the middle of the night, you're a freshly washed sweater on the coldest december days, and the first glass of red wine on an evening out. You're the middle of my favourite book, and the way I deny the possibility of it ever reaching an end, you're the compliment of a stranger on a random day, you're the money i found by chance in one of my bags, you're an afternoon nap and pizza for dinner, you are the photos of last summer's holiday, and the sweet torture of the memories they hold within. 

            You are the mingle between the content of being complete and the terror of having something worth having..worth losing.

            You are poetry, you are art, you are music. 

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

            You're the world and all the magic it gently holds and nourishes so that it can then give to people -slowly, not all at once; a magic so subtle we might even lose its sight, we might even forget it is witheld in every single thing.

           You are every single thing, you see, you've gone far past the point where the secrets you hold on the inwards of your soul can be described as merely human, for they are not mortal, they are not plain, nor quiet. You're the part of the world that is endless, immutable, the one that makes my heart shake and sink into the depths of emotions i've never had the power to comprehend.

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

all about the odds

Let me tell you something about yourself. You'll spend your life searching: for friends, searching for a good school, a good job, your dream house, the best places to travel to; you'll spend your days googling and reading through hundreds of pages, just to find that little something to define you. And you will find it. One day, you'll be a complete person: with flaws and demons and frustrations and memories and happy thoughts. 

Your only moment of peace will be the moment when instead of searching, you'll finally be found. No matter what dark corner of this world you ended up in during your search of the greater good, you will be found by this person : maybe by chance, maybe by mistake. 

And for them, you need to search for your power to fight, while you deserve for that person to fight as well. You deserve that someone who doesn't care about the odds, who will hope even when it seems like there are 99% chances you two won't make it. They'll stay by your side and together you'll make that shitty 1% be everything you need. If there's one thing I've learned in all these years studying math is that it's complex and complicated and so damn hated that the world doesn't give a crap about it. But your will to make something work? That's everything. That is what you're truly searching for. 

So the moment that one person seems to have found you -and you seem to have found them- fight. With all that's left in you. They're probably not even the right person, they'll probably end up leaving and it'll probably hurt. That 1% might get the best of you. But that's how you learn, that's how your search gains a purpose. And when you bump into that guy or girl with whom you fuck up the odds, that person who is an idealist when with you, because they see you in their furthest future, and they know all your dreams by heart, they buy you coffee just because you seem especially annoying today and they could live off your kisses and your sex; when you find them, you'll be thankful for all the times you fucked up, because now you know what it's like to have the odds with or against you. Suddenly, 1% turns into 100% and that's how easy all the math you've been studying gets replaced by feelings and the audacity with which they require to be felt.