predict and protect

   It's a smart thing- the whole "predict and protect" view we're supposed to have of the world. It's even a smarter thing to watch your back, since we'd all rather be safe than sorry. And the right choice when a new context is in view is to not lose yourself - keep your temper, open your eyes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. These are the basics, and we learn them from the earliest stages of our lives, when failure isn't even a concept we know, when fear is reduced to monsters under our bed and running out of our favorite ice-cream. But the system must be prepared anyhow, because that is the clever way- being cautious. 
   But there is a flaw in the system. In my system, at least. And I have found it. A little glitch, probably a design error, which has led me to the point where "predict and protect" sounds plain shitty.
   It is within a certain feeling that I have come to find: I don't need to play it safe. 
   I have found a comfort zone: where I am no longer scared of anything else but falling into the trap of making everything ephemeral.  
   Here's the point where "generally speaking" doesn't quite cut it, since you're anything but general. 
   Within the safety you give me I have found common ground between what I am and what I long to be. I allow myself to lose temper and to fall as farther as I can because it's your arms I end up in and it makes it alright. 
   I can close my eyes or keep them wide open- it's all safe. I don't need my enemies closer- but I do need you- it's all safe. 
   I can lose myself and I do lose myself- endlessly- in a love that is all encompassing and fearless- it's all safe. 
   I can hurry or take it slow, I can take a break or run forever, because we have all the power and it is all so safe.
    We are faced with the greatest view and the most refreshing candour, it is what makes me feel like we can truly make it. I feel like we're safe not only with but within each other. 
    I don't need to play it safe because I am protected and so are you. We may be dumb enough to give it all, regardless of  potential consequences, but it's because we're smart enough to know when it's worth it. And if there's one thing I've learned is that so very few things are worth it and when you do find something you'd give your whole being to- that's when you fight, that's when safety comes last, that's the glitch.
    So I am out in the open. And with you, I don't even mind. 
    It's all safe.
    To think of it, it is more of a miracle, rather than a plain glitch.

things i should tell you more often

              You're the first ray of sunshine on a chilly november morning and the extra 10 minutes of sleep I allow myself even though it'll make me late. You're the cold sea water that touches my feet whilst walking on the beach on a july night and also the sand that finds its way to my hair. You're the third sip of green tea, early in the morning : the first is too hot, the second too bitter, but the third -just perfect.You're the cold side of the pillow in the middle of the night when sleep denies itself from me. You're the wind in early june, and the way it hits the dark circles around my eyes after a rough night. You're a frank sinatra song when i'm in the mood for love and a keaton henson song when my small hands collapse under the weight of fear, when my soul is ravished; every once in a while, you're a led zeppelin classic- and, as expected, i can't seem to be able to quit you. 

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

            You're the first star of the sky, the one I always make a wish upon. You're the shower after a long day, you're takeaway food combined with netflix, you're ice cream in the middle of the night, you're a freshly washed sweater on the coldest december days, and the first glass of red wine on an evening out. You're the middle of my favourite book, and the way I deny the possibility of it ever reaching an end, you're the compliment of a stranger on a random day, you're the money i found by chance in one of my bags, you're an afternoon nap and pizza for dinner, you are the photos of last summer's holiday, and the sweet torture of the memories they hold within. 

            You are the mingle between the content of being complete and the terror of having something worth having..worth losing.

            You are poetry, you are art, you are music. 

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

            You're the world and all the magic it gently holds and nourishes so that it can then give to people -slowly, not all at once; a magic so subtle we might even lose its sight, we might even forget it is witheld in every single thing.

           You are every single thing, you see, you've gone far past the point where the secrets you hold on the inwards of your soul can be described as merely human, for they are not mortal, they are not plain, nor quiet. You're the part of the world that is endless, immutable, the one that makes my heart shake and sink into the depths of emotions i've never had the power to comprehend.

            You're the bliss moment before falling in love, and the falling, and the love.

all about the odds

Let me tell you something about yourself. You'll spend your life searching: for friends, searching for a good school, a good job, your dream house, the best places to travel to; you'll spend your days googling and reading through hundreds of pages, just to find that little something to define you. And you will find it. One day, you'll be a complete person: with flaws and demons and frustrations and memories and happy thoughts. 

Your only moment of peace will be the moment when instead of searching, you'll finally be found. No matter what dark corner of this world you ended up in during your search of the greater good, you will be found by this person : maybe by chance, maybe by mistake. 

And for them, you need to search for your power to fight, while you deserve for that person to fight as well. You deserve that someone who doesn't care about the odds, who will hope even when it seems like there are 99% chances you two won't make it. They'll stay by your side and together you'll make that shitty 1% be everything you need. If there's one thing I've learned in all these years studying math is that it's complex and complicated and so damn hated that the world doesn't give a crap about it. But your will to make something work? That's everything. That is what you're truly searching for. 

So the moment that one person seems to have found you -and you seem to have found them- fight. With all that's left in you. They're probably not even the right person, they'll probably end up leaving and it'll probably hurt. That 1% might get the best of you. But that's how you learn, that's how your search gains a purpose. And when you bump into that guy or girl with whom you fuck up the odds, that person who is an idealist when with you, because they see you in their furthest future, and they know all your dreams by heart, they buy you coffee just because you seem especially annoying today and they could live off your kisses and your sex; when you find them, you'll be thankful for all the times you fucked up, because now you know what it's like to have the odds with or against you. Suddenly, 1% turns into 100% and that's how easy all the math you've been studying gets replaced by feelings and the audacity with which they require to be felt.

inceputul si sfarsitul increderii

Astazi m-am urcat intr-o masina galbena, pe care scria cu litere mari, groase si negre "TAXI" si a carui sofer pretindea sa fie -in mod evident- taximetrist. Nu numai ca m-am urcat in aceasta masina, dar i-am spus soferului adresa mea de acasa, dupa care i-am dat si bani pentru ca m-a dus acolo. In niciun moment nu i-am cerut numele sau o copie a cazierului judiciar pentru ca, desi nu il cunosteam, aveam incredere in el. Putea sa fie oricine, putea sa ma duca oriunde, dar nu m-am ingrijorat nicio secunda. Deoarece pentru orice lucru pe care il faci si are legatura cu alti oameni, ai nevoie de incredere. Nu ti-e teama ca bucatarul de la restaurantul tau favorit iti scuipa in mancare, nu iti faci griji ca profesorii de la scoala nu iti dau informatii exacte si corecte, te urci in taxi-uri si autobuze, treci pe langa sute de oameni zilnic, primesti colindatori si instalatori si electricieni in casa si nu tremuri vreo secunda gandindu-te ca s-ar putea sa fie vreunul dintre ei un criminal in serie.

In viata de zi cu zi ai nevoie de incredere: nu oarba, nu completa, dar destula cat sa poti trai in liniste. Si totusi, multi pretindem ca nu ne incredem in oricine. Dar o facem. Ne incredem in oricine in afara de cei in care ar trebui, cei pe care ar trebui sa ii coplesim cu  nadejdea si dragostea noastra. In schimb le interzicem sa ne treaca dincolo de bariere. Si totusi, ne urcam in nenumarate masini galbene cu soferi necunoscuti. Si ei ne stiu adresa de acasa si jur ca daca ne-ar intreba, le-am spune ce avem pe suflet. Dar cei care ar trebui sa stie, nu stiu. Societatea se bazeaza pe incredere, relatiile interumane se bazeaza pe incredere, viata se bazeaza pe incredere. Iar increderea? Habar nu avem pe ce sa o bazam.

Oamenii care ne merita increderea sunt cei carora iti este cel mai greu sa le-o oferi. Nu pentru ca suntem egoisti si nu vrem sa le dam tuturor ceea ce merita, dar pentru ca suntem inapti cand vine vorba sa ne daruim pe noi: integral, goi - cu haine dar fara masti. In schimb viata ta e in mainile a sute de oameni in fiecare secunda. Fizic, esti fragil, esti neputincios. Interiorul? Pazit mai ceva ca Fort Knox.

Instalatorul are voie sa imi vada hainele aruncate aiurea prin casa, nu-mi pasa. Taximetristul stie unde stau, bancherii imi stiu averea si nu ma afecteaza. Am un doctor care stie perfect tot ce e in neregula cu mine, ma poate vedea si goala si nu ma judeca. Din cand in cand mananc in oras, la diferite restaurante unde naiba stie cati oameni isi pun mainile murdare sau curate in mancarea mea. Dar nu le pasa de mine deloc. Sunt un alt om ce are nevoie de ajutorul lor si ei il ofera, iar eu am incredere. Dar tu tii la mine, asa ca nu te las sa-mi vezi dezordinea din viata, mi-e rusine cand ma vezi asa cum sunt sau daca stii ce e in neregula cu mine si mi-e teama sa te las sa imi atingi corpul sau sufletul, chiar daca ai mainile curate.

Increderea incepe si se termina la cei carora nu le pasa.

forgiveness & acceptance

Find the strength in you to love and let yourself be loved. Love every ray of sun and every night out, love every coffee that you ever drink, every class that you skip and every tear you ever shed. Love the dark circles around your eyes and the hand that holds yours, or the shoulder you can always cry on. Allow yourself to waste time, but not waste yourself.

Love that feeling you get while you're in the cab at 5 am, going home. Love every person to break your heart, love every chance you ever took, even if it was the stupidest thing you did. 

But before, you must forgive. Forgive yourself for not always being the best you can be, forgive the lies you've told or heard, forgive the shit others did to you. They may not be deserving of forgiveness, but you are deserving of a damn break. 

Accept that you sometimes fuck up, and learn to do better next time. It's not pretty - being human, that is- but it sure as hell  is challenging. And you aren't one to back off from that. 

 

am devenit arhitect

           Toti o sa-ti spuna de saruturile lungi si tinutul de mana, de plimbarile sub lumina lunii sau discutiile infinite la telefon, cand ar trebui sa dormi pentru ca maine te asteapta o zi mult prea lunga. In toate cartile citesti despre cum fiecare cearta se incheie cu un pupic apasat si un zambet cu subinteles, sau despre cat de roz si pufoasa e viata alaturi de el (sau ea,ma rog). Dar in niciuna nu s-au gandit nenorocitii sa scrie despre natura umana si despre cum ea, in esenta, e facuta sa strice, la un moment dat, totul. Nimeni nu iti zice despre faptul ca daca il tii prea mult de mana va vor transpira palmele si uneori fata ta e ridicola atunci cand incerci sa fii senzuala, alteori parul iti sta aiurea si discutiile voastre s-ar putea sa se transforme in certuri ce nu pot fi rezolvate cu un sarut pentru ca, pur si simplu, nu asa merge viata. Vreti sa va pocniti si nu pentru ca asa e "iubirea adevarata" ci pentru ca, intr-adevar, vreti sa va pocniti. Nicio comedie romantica de doi bani, clasata pe Imdb ca fiind "dulce,dulce,dulce" nu include in scenariu si posibilitatea unei relatii nu atat de usoara. Pentru ca nu te va invata nimeni ce sa faci atunci cand timpul se imparte in "impreuna" si "singuri", cand ajungi sa numeri secunde si minute si zile si nu poti sa te mai gandesti la nimic altceva. Si o parte din tine isi doreste ceva simplu, pe cand cealalta stie ca nu te-ai mai putea multumi niciodata cu altceva decat ce ai deja.
             Nimeni nu iti zice, dar cu cat mai mare este ceva, cu atat mai multe distruge atunci cand este ruinat. Poate e un mod pesimist de a privi lucrurile, dar e real: tot ce este construit ajunge in ruine mai devreme sau mai tarziu. Si cu cat investesti mai mult timp si sentiment intr-o dragoste, cu atat mai multe pagube va lasa in urma ei. Si poti fi tu cel care sufera, poate fi celalalt sau puteti fi amandoi. Instinctul uman -daca ar functiona in astfel de momente- ti-ar spune sa fugi in directia cealalta cat vezi cu ochii, ti-ar pregati corpul pentru fuga sau lupta (dar cine poate sa lupte cu sentimentele proprii?). Insa creierul tau natang te indruma in directia pseudo-pericolului care de fapt este tot ce ti-ai fi putut dori vreodata. Asa ca termini de construit ce ai inceput, desi esti un arhitect si un inginer oribil, continui sa muncesti pentru ceva ce iti doresti, oricat de dificil este. Si experienta nu te ajuta aici, dificultatea este invers proportionala cu ea si direct proportionala cu riscul.         Dar te risti: iti bagi picioarele si te risti pentru ca e frumos si pentru ca nu exista clisee sau limite, nu exista minciuni sau termene limita. Totul este infinit. Tot ce ti-ai dorit intr-o cantitate ce nu poate fi limitata de matematica. Si sfarsitul nici macar nu se vede de pe norisorul pe care stai si chiar daca ti-l poti imagina sau poti pretinde ca stii sa il previi sau preconizezi, ramai si construiesti pentru ca asta iti place sa faci.
        Si da, constructia este o metafora pentru relatie. Si nu, nu esti singurul care se chinuie.
        Se va darama. Fie ca e acum sau peste 163 de ani. Fie ca e vorba de o despartire decisa la comun, sau ceva ce se petrece independent de voi. Viata are sfarsit si odata cu ea, cladirea se prabuseste. Iar unul dintre voi o sa sufere.
        Mai este ceva: stii cand stii ca e cladirea potrivita? Atunci cand iti doresti din tot sufletul sa fii tu cel care ajunge in lacrimi.

the hows and the whys i'll never get to know

How can people blindly believe in something that is not sure to exist? How can we put our trust in a greater force, naively thinking all the good comes from that? I've come to a point where i doubt everything I hear, I double check everything I see, I question everything I say or think. It's because nobody and nothing seems trust-worthy anymore. I'm becoming a hater, a frustrated person. But how could I remain ignorant and apathetic when faced with a world so mean, so tough?
How could I not question the potency of the law enforcement when I just read about a little girl who was raped by ten men and they barely got a punishment? How could I not be completely disgusted by the press when they write about how "she was dressed older than her age"? How could I frantically hope for love, believe in love, when in Dublin, a mother made her daughter (from when she was 4 until she was 9) have sex with different men for money? How the hell am I supposed to allow myself to have faith in this world and in humanity when I am fucking afraid of walking down the street at night by myself? How should I tell myself that it's okay when in fact, nothing is fucking okay? And please, I beg of you, tell me how could I not doubt God when I see all the shit that's happening all around, when I feel the hatred around me, when I notice the way people carelessly hurt and deceive and get nothing in return?
People are guilty of all the good they could have done and did not do. To me, it seems that we are more guilty of that than we are of the bad we do. So how does karma work? Does it even work at all? Am I better off spending my life chasing money and my own good rather than chasing the saving of this place we call home?

You see, these are questions that will forever be left without answer. (Except the last one. I'm starting to think the answer to the last question written above is "Yes- fuck, yes")

The facts are, we learn how to survive. We blindly believe in love and God and humanity because, truth is, we have no other choice.You can either fuck up your life by realizing that people suck, or you can look the other way: and that's not even ignorance, it's not lack of care, it's not apathy, it's not lack of compassion, it's not stupidity or indifference. It's the only way to not fall apart, to not blow up your mind with the over-thinking. And if you don't like the place, if you don't like the situation, you might try to be a little kinder, a little better, a little more helpful, but will ultimately see that the evil will always overcome the good. It doesn't mean you should stop being good, but it does mean you should stop hoping. Hope dies last? Yeah, right. It might seem awful of me to ask of you to give up on hope. But do you know what is worse than trying to change something, but not really hoping for it to happen? Trying to change something, filled with hope that proves to be false. If you still think that hope can save it all, good for you, I crave for your guileless. If you still hate the place too much, buy a rocket and move the fuck out, because it's all we have.

And I might seem deeply damaged, hopeless or damn broken, but at least I take my time to care and try to save something. I'm young, but not artless.